hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
