Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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