woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
