im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
