Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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