don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
