I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
