i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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