I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
