i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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