I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
