I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
