Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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