By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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