So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
