Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
there is glitter all over my balls
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
