my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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