i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
