you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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