who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
