you would pick up someone in the library
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
