last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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