your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
