Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
