I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
