Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
