my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
