high people should be assigned attendants
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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