He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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