Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
