I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
