Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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