I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
