i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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