I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
