after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
