"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
