Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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