Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
