So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You smell like stripper and shame
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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