i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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