I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
