The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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