I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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