Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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