my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
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So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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