just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
