She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
