i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
soo... how was my night?
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