we made out on top of his cat.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
