i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
