Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
