It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
