I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
