wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
