My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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