Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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