You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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