People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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